This Negro Here....

Im at the craziest point in my life. Like feel grown,but I feel confused. Cnnfused about all the decisions that I have to make within the next couple of months. 2011 is upon us yall. Like its coming, and everyone needs to step their game... foreal. Like,THIS IS NOT A GAME .

Its crazy because, my habit has died down, and I have been able to understand myself more.Understand  life more......... without the outside mess. Gotta watch my words carefully because, I never know who reads this. I pause for a min, just to get into my thoughts correctly and give you guys a little more imformation about me.

One of the biggest trials now, is the new guy that's in my life. This dude has me wrapped up like no other. I mean, I know I shouldn't be putting all my business out there like that, but hey....this is my book, and I will write it the way I want.

Anyway, this new dude got me goin hard. Now,he has everything that I have ever prayed for in a man,  execpt  for communication skills. And  it is annoying, because I normal cut dudes off if they lack commmunication. I'm BIG on communication.  That's why most relationships fail......because of the LACK OF COMMUNICATION!

Call me  crazy, but I would like to talk to my dude once every day or so. He can go days without talkin to me!!! How does he do it? I mean like, he tellS me, I am what he wants, and he acts like it for the most part, but this one part is just messin EVERYTHING up!

I try to back off, but it just seems to make things worst. I try not to complain, but it just seems to make things act like nothings wrong..and that is just WAY to much tension for me. So  what do I do?? I tell him I love him, that I am going to tackle with him,  he gets on my nerve, and treat him like a friend until he gets his stuff together.

He doesn't like being called my friend, so I wonder how long this will last. I know he is it, so I'm trying to give him his distance and work this out. Surprisingly, I am still able to do my thing in school, bussin out the pretty  grades.  I'm proud of myself for that one, because  that means that I am growing  up.

So far this growing up thing is working for me. I can't  wait for it to happen in July. But right now, my  only dilemma in life is the battle between the real me, and the me that wrapped up in this dude so tight.

Questions....

Spaced enough to stand back long enought to absorb the information that I recieved today. Its makes me really put life in a completely different dimesion. I feel as I get older I really question to much. Then it messes me up completely because Im doin extra thinking. The things that I have been through has made me to question everything and judge everything.

I question everything.Thats what got me to the point that I am at today. All the questions that I thought couldnt get answered because I was to scared to ask. But all this information was amazing....and the PROOF! Like the proof was incredible. It messed me up. It showed me that God is real. Biblical stories are truth and any and everything can be explained.

Things that we just let roll. That we willing invite evil into our lives.WOW....the proof yall, its the proof.

Just messed my whole mind up. From top to bottom. So bad that I cant even explain it in worlds. Its called The Truth about Hip Hop. Its a church service DVD recorded ...and bruh Im trying to tell you.....that is some crazy stuff....(almost slipped up and said something else)

Now its time to do more research...
"But the fool agrees with what he understand first." - Zach

My Simple Prayer

Dear Lord,

Its been a mintue since I came to you..talked to you heart to heart. I want you to know that even though I constantly mess up, that I am really trying. I know that I ask you why do certain things happen, and why do they happen to me.... and I am sure that you would like me to stop doing that. Once again I apologize. Listening to this song dear Lord as I pray to you in my mind, I pause in mid thought to tell you everything that's on my mind. I think about all the things that I dont have but I decided to try a different prayer to you tonight. Allow this prayer  to work for any person who reads this blog, to feel your hands wrap around them. I would like to thank you with a long list of things and I will start by thanking you for giving me life.

Thank you for the family that you allowed me to have, both blood relation and no blood relation. Only you know how much of an impact that they have on the person that I am. I could write a book to them and they still wouldn't know. Give them the infinate blessings that you have given me.

Thank you for allowing me to be built off of the past life, off the struggles, off of the hurt, tears and long nights. Thank you for bringing me thru the nights of suicide attempts and thoughts.  I tell  you nothing makes me more happier than looking back on what I was, where I came from. But its ok, because you have forbidden me to go back to that place. 

Lord I cry to you as I pray  because I know that you have blessed me to much, more than I am worthy. I  love my life of it....every waking minute I spend on a  new adventure. I am starting to understand the reason that you put me on this Earth. My job is to educate and provide a shoulder to cry on. Lord I ask you to send me more people that needs someone to talk to and send me more people who need to be educated about life and the possiblities it holds.

Wow, I feel so free now. I feel like a burden has just been lifted off of my soul because I gave you the glory in what you have given me. Thank you Jesus.

I pray that you bless everyone that comes into contact with me, no matter how they meet me. I want to spread my inner joy with everyone. Only you know the real reason why I have such a strong inner joy.

Thank you for allowing me to be a great friend and person to others...they know Im great and please touch their hearts.

My words feel so powerful right now Lord and I really feel like you will hear this  prayers because I am praying hard. I dont even want to ask you for anything , just  to thank you for everything that I have now.

Thank you for allowing this prayer to be so strong , that  I was able to allow  everyone in on how much you mean to me. I know I should go to church more, but trust me I am guilty when I dont go.

My heart is filled with all the love and hope that every future prayer will be answer because this is the first time I have prayed so hard by myself. Just me and you and Erykah in the background. lol..I figured you might have a sense of humor, seeing as though you made me.

Until Tomorrow
Amen

Drama Drama Drama

The dumbest thing that can ever happen is females treating other females like we arent equal. I work hard to get mine and respect anyone who is trying to get theirs. Yes...there are obvious differences but at the end of the day respect mine and I'll respect yours.

Tonight, I felt like I looked like a straight up punk to these females. WHY....of all people me...looking like a punk? I have things to do, business to handle, and the drama that I have is always with someone who feels like I just am out to get them or tryin to steal their man....

Pause.....
Take a minute to look at the pictures because I have no reason to try to take anyone's man. I have no time to worry about another person's anything.

My house is drama free. If drama comes into my house its because I brought it there. I felt like a punk tonight yall, but we all know that I am not.

My professionalism prevents me from being the person that I am.....but the thing that makes me mad is that why do I have to be the only one who can carry herself like a grown woman? Approach me, but make sure that we understand each other as women...that we can approach each other and talk about anything...

But you know what, im willing to take a "L" this time...so what im goin to do is hit it and study...
Til tomorrows adventure
Blessings

The Ulitmate High

At first it was going to be a story about the ulitmate high, but as I continued to sit and think about the things that go on in my life I recognize that the ulitmate high that I have is the power of PRAYER. Its sad because I go through so much hardship that most of the time, I have bring myself to ask someone else to pray for me. This is the bad part about my spirtiual life. I feel connected but not connected enough. Its bad because I know that I need to be deeper in the word and more intuned my spritual mind.

As a history major, I have come to recognized that one of the biggest things with religion is FAITH. Call it common sense, but some people really dont know. Its sad because you have people walking around screaming "the bible says this, the bible says that" but honestly they question it. Its that bad?  Is that a legit  question?

Every Sunday, I sit and debate with myself if I should go to church or not. Because, even though the common saying goes, " Only God  can judge me"  but its kind of weird because I am getting judged before my judgement time. I find myself crying into the first couple of sentences of the prayer when I am in church. Its hard because I would much rather not show my pain because when I do,  I feel like everyone around me knows that I have done something to the point where I  feel like I am  not worthy enough to be in the house of God.  

Oh well,   I  guess every  person's journey is different..

Day One... Dear Diary Thanks Jess...

Dear Diary

Its a been a long time since I have sat down to actually express my thoughts. Being inspired by Jess, her blog is wonderful. I have noticed that she is really legit, and I need to use that to my advantage.

Right..... my advantage. Not saying that I am using her ideas and running with it, but I am feeding off the positive enegry that she gives. I love it. I love that fact that she is one of my most complex, but simple friends.

Look at this, here I  am writing a diary entry to the whole world in hopes that someone else would understand.....hoping that who ever reads this can understand the struggles of life, the strength that gets me through it and the ultimate decisions of God.

Please understand Diary, I am not like the average 20 year old. I have goals, I have dreams ( I would hope most 20 year olds have those) and I get upset when I dont meet them. I try hard in life Diary, and it seems that the only time I get a break is when I am reading about someone else's life.

But why Diary? Why do I find refuge in reading about other goals that someone else is doing? What good does that do me in the end...NO GOOD.

Why? Because I become envious.

Envy will not allow me to progress in life the way I want to...so it is very bittersweet. Once again ...its hard to understand, but reading this help you understand me. Meagan, not Mickey. There is a difference..

And if you dont know the difference...then stay tuned....